Autism, Intercon, and a new icon

[hazliya]

So, friday night after laser tag, elenuial, doompuppy and I went out to TSams with Carmel and Josh Luther - TMA people might remember him as Wilco, New Voices 25 people would remember him as the gamer prince from one of my plays. I'd always meant to hang out with him more, as he's the type of person I'd get along with well, and reminds me of the place I was a few years ago. elenuial has someone he's the same way with; it's interesting to watch them develop and watching them hit the same roadblocks, observing how they deal. It's also, incidentally, why elenuial has explained that he doesn't feel threatened at all about me spending time with him - my doppelganger just happens to be male (no comments!).

So we all chatted, talked about politics and our families, and I learned a lot about him, both personality- and history-wise. It turns out he has a lot of the same screws loose that I have - mild OCD and some social phobias.


As some of you may already know, I have Asperger's Syndrome, classified as a mild form of autism. I had a hard time learning verbal and nonverbal cues (as an adult, dance and BDSM helped a lot with that, but more on that later), reading expressions, and socializing in general as a child. I'm also hyperlexic (not as cool as you would think - it's compulsive) and a sporadic synaesthete. And for all of these, I overcompensated. I'm still overcompensating, but less so: I'm extremely social when I'm with people and make it a point to follow a lot of people's body language, whether they realize they're giving off those signals or not. I also ramble with my train of thought, even when writing rather than speaking. Turns out it's part of the reason people like to hang out with me - I generate a million ideas a second and have natural comic flow and timing from the way my mind rambles and makes connections at the same time.

But I still have trouble when it comes to reading. People close to me like elenuial and my family know that I can't read anything just once. I used to chew through two books a day when I was really young (I taught myself to read at two and my parents gave me novels at three to keep me busier longer). I had a relapse recently with a book that was given to me some time ago: I reread Howl's Moving Castle nonstop (at least 14 times) over the period of a few days. As a result of that happening with EVERYTHING I read as a child, I stopped reading almost entirely throughout high school. I'm taking small steps now, like deliberately setting a page/chapter limit and only allowing myself to read before bed, since there's the hope that I'll eventually get too tired to read anyway. Small steps.

All of this is making me dread Intercon coming up in March. As much as I've thought on and acknowledged these functions, it still doesn't mean they're gone. Most of my nervousness doesn't stem as much from the fact that the LARP I'm supposed to be writing isn't even started (that's another part of hyperlexia for me - I'm a prolific writer, to the point where we'd have 300 characters for a 2-hour game because every idea in my head needs to be put into text), but rather from the fact that there will be hundreds of people there, many of them strangers. I fully expect to disappear for at least an hour a day or sleep for 30 hours straight when I get home due to the need to recharge. I might have to spend time with solely people I know, too, since familiar social patterns are confidence-building and welcoming.

I think what helps me cope with so many new people in LARPs is using the character as a crutch. I focus so much on their motivations and goals that they'll override my own, for the most part. There are still some boundaries for me, ones that I need to test and push as much as possible. That's why I signed up for games that call for me being outrageous - the sink-or-swim method for social phobias is having every single person in the room watching you. It's also why I hope that I get into gower's Pirate Wenches game, seeing as it's very difficult to hide in a crowd while sporting a pirate wench ensemble and your character playfully flogs Vikings as a means of flirting.

I'm also self-conscious about my appearance. Although I'll have the gap in my teeth gone, be a little trimmer, and (hopefully) have managed to wrangle out my natural blonde from every part of my head, I know that I'm tiny. And unimposing/unintimidating/nonthreatening. I know that the usual thing that goes with tiny is "cute," which is a favorite descriptive term of dark_towhead's for me, and I'm afraid that that's the way I'll come off, no matter what the situation.
"She disagrees with the immigration amnesty and naturalization policy? Aw, that's so cute!"
I'd make a terrible senator.
But I do have a very dominant, assertive side that surfaces once in a while when it's apparent that shit needs to get done, and no one else is taking charge. As soon as it's handled, however, that side of me dissipates; I get the feeling that it's less likable. Which frustrates me, because I look at women with commanding and powerful sides with admiration and respect. On the other hand, they're also usually 5'7 and striking, if not beautiful. And for my part, I can aim to have their mannerisms, if not their looks.
I suppose I just want to have a presence that's not forever tiny and cute. Although tiny and cute does have its place, I'm not sure that the impression I want to leave with new people is "itsy-bitsy hazu-chan."
Something else to work on, right?


And this is my new icon. There's a larger version of it here, as it's an old picture of myself I rediscovered and decided I liked. I believe it's from the same photoshoot as my default, but I'm not entirely sure. I'm thinking it'll be for my reflections in general, or even just those tied to some of my social anxieties.

What do you guys think of it?

-Haz

Comments

[rigel.livejournal.com]

Realize I'm saying this off the cuff, but it may be just as much a matter of becoming more comfortable with your dominant, assertive side as it is anything else. I don't mean to say that you're obviously not comfortable, but even greater comfort can allow one to slide into the role more easily and with a better sense of balance.

I can empathize with the tiny thing, though. I am also bitty, though not quite so much as you (being chubby seems to somehow mitigate the bitty), and according to others, I manage to occasionally appear commanding and powerful as well. I can't be quite certain why it works some times and not others; maybe I have my own balance issues to work out. Either way, it can be done, and in a way that's as appealing as when you're not.

[gower.livejournal.com]

I like this picture of you. I forgot to tell you, but I'm using one of your autumn pictures from last week as my desktop wallpaper.

[hazliya.livejournal.com]

Really? That's great! Which one?

[gower.livejournal.com]

Oh, wait, no. It's scampi. Sorry. Easy mistake to make.

.
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Heh.

It's the shimmery water one with I think a single leaf (or just a reflection) right in the middle.