Breaking the rage spiral
Dec. 14th, 2010 12:11 pmThis morning, the rage spiral started.
Couldn't get out of bed.
Running late for Woonsocket.
Elsa had an accident on the floor.
No Bagel Time.
Near-flat tire.
Irritated with
elenuial for reasons I didn't understand.
Horrible drivers on the road.
I was almost to a point where I wanted to drive my car into a tree when I thought "No, not today. Not going to let it win." So I turned around, drove to Bagel Time, grabbed
elenuial and myself bagels, and took control of one thing that was contributing. It was enough to break the entire spiral, and I was back in good spirits.
Until I came into work and was told that one of the two aunts that helped raise me found out on Saturday that she has both brain and lung cancer.
And the radio in the office has decided to only play soft, introspective songs.
The Rage spiral has nothing on the Contemplating my Own Mortality and That of Those I Care About spiral.
Couldn't get out of bed.
Running late for Woonsocket.
Elsa had an accident on the floor.
No Bagel Time.
Near-flat tire.
Irritated with
![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
Horrible drivers on the road.
I was almost to a point where I wanted to drive my car into a tree when I thought "No, not today. Not going to let it win." So I turned around, drove to Bagel Time, grabbed
![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
Until I came into work and was told that one of the two aunts that helped raise me found out on Saturday that she has both brain and lung cancer.
And the radio in the office has decided to only play soft, introspective songs.
The Rage spiral has nothing on the Contemplating my Own Mortality and That of Those I Care About spiral.
Incommunicado
Nov. 14th, 2010 06:22 pmGot a call from my mother today after teaching class RE a death in the family.
I will probably be out of commission Monday night and most of Tuesday, as the latter is the wake.
If you're waiting on something from me or need me for something, best to let me know tonight or early tomorrow so I can take care of it then and have the time and energy for my family later.
I will probably be out of commission Monday night and most of Tuesday, as the latter is the wake.
If you're waiting on something from me or need me for something, best to let me know tonight or early tomorrow so I can take care of it then and have the time and energy for my family later.
A conversation with my brother and father
Aug. 11th, 2010 01:40 pmHaz: So, by the way, you're totally being a bridesmaid.
TJ: What.
H: Der.
T: Do I have to wear a dress?
Dad: Yes.
H: No.
D: A big poofy one.
H: Maybe. It depends on your degree of compliance.
T: I will fight you.
H: Then you will stand at my wedding dressed like Lady Gaga.
T: Sweet.
H: I will buy you a tutu and a rhinestone collar that says "Bitch" on it.
T: Are you kidding? I already have that in my wardrobe. (note: my brother is firmly committed to MSI, Misfits, My Chemical Romance, and the color black.)
D: I know, right?
T: I wear that to work. (note: he works at a KFC.)
H: Because you're the boss?
T: Hell yeah.
H: "What's up, bitches?"
T: "Make me chicken!"
D: You're both idiots.
TJ: What.
H: Der.
T: Do I have to wear a dress?
Dad: Yes.
H: No.
D: A big poofy one.
H: Maybe. It depends on your degree of compliance.
T: I will fight you.
H: Then you will stand at my wedding dressed like Lady Gaga.
T: Sweet.
H: I will buy you a tutu and a rhinestone collar that says "Bitch" on it.
T: Are you kidding? I already have that in my wardrobe. (note: my brother is firmly committed to MSI, Misfits, My Chemical Romance, and the color black.)
D: I know, right?
T: I wear that to work. (note: he works at a KFC.)
H: Because you're the boss?
T: Hell yeah.
H: "What's up, bitches?"
T: "Make me chicken!"
D: You're both idiots.
Cleaning like a mofo
Aug. 4th, 2009 11:46 amSo,
elenuial's little brother is coming to town Thursday night, and none of the apartment's occupants have done any spring cleaning. It's August.
This has given me sufficient motivation to nigh-gut my apartment sans N and K's rooms. And while I'm cleaning, I may as well do a little redecorating that I've been meaning to get around to!
So far, I have:
_cleaned kitchen
-added curtains to windows
-scrubbed stove
-reorganized spices
_cleaned pantry
-took everything off counters and scrubbed
-organized shelves
-did dishes
-mopped floor
-went grocery shopping
_cleaned bathroom
-replaced shower curtain
-beaten rugs
-scrubbed sink, tub, toilet
-replaced towels
And that was all yesterday after working 7-3. Dinner was in there somewhere.
Today, I will:
_clean bedroom
-rearrange furniture in a way that makes more functional and aesthetic sense
-tidy clothes
-hang stuff from ceiling
-do laundry
_clean kitchen pt 2
-sweep/mop floor
-go through fridge
-do more dishes
_clean living room
-hear back about shelf idea, maybe? Waiting for Don on that one
-tidy up games
-clean up clothes
-organize shoes
...and shower and eat somewhere in there. At 6:30, I'll be headed to work until 9:30, when I'll come home, eat dinner, sleep, then get up at 6am to work 7-3 and come home to another to-do list. The office is
elenuial's job, seeing as if I clean his workspace, he won't be able to find anything ever again.
I feel so productive. Worn out, but productive. Cleaning is rewarding for me. =)
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This has given me sufficient motivation to nigh-gut my apartment sans N and K's rooms. And while I'm cleaning, I may as well do a little redecorating that I've been meaning to get around to!
So far, I have:
_cleaned kitchen
-added curtains to windows
-scrubbed stove
-reorganized spices
_cleaned pantry
-took everything off counters and scrubbed
-organized shelves
-did dishes
-mopped floor
-went grocery shopping
_cleaned bathroom
-replaced shower curtain
-beaten rugs
-scrubbed sink, tub, toilet
-replaced towels
And that was all yesterday after working 7-3. Dinner was in there somewhere.
Today, I will:
_clean bedroom
-rearrange furniture in a way that makes more functional and aesthetic sense
-tidy clothes
-hang stuff from ceiling
-do laundry
_clean kitchen pt 2
-sweep/mop floor
-go through fridge
-do more dishes
_clean living room
-hear back about shelf idea, maybe? Waiting for Don on that one
-tidy up games
-clean up clothes
-organize shoes
...and shower and eat somewhere in there. At 6:30, I'll be headed to work until 9:30, when I'll come home, eat dinner, sleep, then get up at 6am to work 7-3 and come home to another to-do list. The office is
![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
I feel so productive. Worn out, but productive. Cleaning is rewarding for me. =)
Dad's in for surgery today. Don't know when he's coming out. Keeping myself busy, busy.
I've cleaned the living room, done all of the dishes, picked lint out of my keyboard, memorized half of my lines, and written another character sheet, to name a few things.
I really like how this character turned out. But the person I gave her to is one of the two who hasn't bothered to give me any reply of any sort and doesn't really seem to care about the game. I kinda feel that such a great character would be wasted on a person who doesn't give a crap when there are other people who really want to play.
And I'm in the kind of mood to tell her so with an e-mail stating that if I didn't hear from her, I'd assume that she wasn't actually interested in playing and would give the character to someone else.
Blargh. I'm off to start dinner (which won't be eaten for like, an hour and a half).
I've cleaned the living room, done all of the dishes, picked lint out of my keyboard, memorized half of my lines, and written another character sheet, to name a few things.
I really like how this character turned out. But the person I gave her to is one of the two who hasn't bothered to give me any reply of any sort and doesn't really seem to care about the game. I kinda feel that such a great character would be wasted on a person who doesn't give a crap when there are other people who really want to play.
And I'm in the kind of mood to tell her so with an e-mail stating that if I didn't hear from her, I'd assume that she wasn't actually interested in playing and would give the character to someone else.
Blargh. I'm off to start dinner (which won't be eaten for like, an hour and a half).
An exchange between my mother and I
Oct. 8th, 2008 01:16 pmSetting: I'm at my mother's office for the day, and have agreed to decorate greeting cards, clocks, and other office staples with acrylic paint. I have since gotten creative.
---------------------------
M: (walks in) Now you're painting the screwdriver?
H: It has a point!
M: Right.
-three minutes later, in her waiting room, in front of clients-
H: (bursting in)Ha!
M: (stares)
H: Look! (shows card) Screwdriver art!
M: (stares)
H: You paint the ridges, and then you roll it!
M: (stares)
H: (throws hands in air) Applaud my genius!
M: (stares) (turns away)
H: Or ignore it, that works too.
M: (to the group) My daughter.
All: Ohhhhh. (implied: "that explains it")
H: Thanks.
---------------------------
This is pretty much how we roll.
-H
---------------------------
M: (walks in) Now you're painting the screwdriver?
H: It has a point!
M: Right.
-three minutes later, in her waiting room, in front of clients-
H: (bursting in)Ha!
M: (stares)
H: Look! (shows card) Screwdriver art!
M: (stares)
H: You paint the ridges, and then you roll it!
M: (stares)
H: (throws hands in air) Applaud my genius!
M: (stares) (turns away)
H: Or ignore it, that works too.
M: (to the group) My daughter.
All: Ohhhhh. (implied: "that explains it")
H: Thanks.
---------------------------
This is pretty much how we roll.
-H
So, my mother - my "no-more-animals-now-I-mean-it!" mother - has picked up a new kitten.
Seven weeks old, and I'm shopping for him after work tomorrow. Then going home from Sun-Tues to help him (and our current kitties) adapt.
Kitten.
Kitten.
I can't wait. =D
-H
Seven weeks old, and I'm shopping for him after work tomorrow. Then going home from Sun-Tues to help him (and our current kitties) adapt.
Kitten.
Kitten.
I can't wait. =D
-H
Mother's Day pictures
May. 12th, 2008 10:44 amSo, for Mother's Day yesterday, I took some pictures of my brother and I. Mum's been constantly asking me to take photos of TJ for her, since the most recent pictures she has of him are from elementary school. And she can count on one hand the number of pictures she has of the two of us together. So, to surprise her, I brought my camera home with me, told my brother to pull his hair back and put on clothes that were a) clean, b) decent, and c) void of offensive writing across the front. That done, I took him out into the garden for a few shots. I printed 5x7s of each of us, and blew up the one of us together to an 8x10 and framed the lot.
Mum almost cried when she saw them.
That made wrangling my brother worth it. And I like how the pictures came out, so here are the ones that I printed off.
( Read more... )
So yes, that's my little brother. Now to eat lunch and prepare for a day with the dogs. I'm so nervous about my training - I'm great with dogs, don't know about the people.
*nerves*
-H
Mum almost cried when she saw them.
That made wrangling my brother worth it. And I like how the pictures came out, so here are the ones that I printed off.
( Read more... )
So yes, that's my little brother. Now to eat lunch and prepare for a day with the dogs. I'm so nervous about my training - I'm great with dogs, don't know about the people.
*nerves*
-H
That's m'dad!
May. 4th, 2008 09:42 pmMy father, being awesome, was chosen to have a feature in the Whole Foods may/june booklet. =) Here's part of the article and his little side-blurb.
( Scanned for your viewing pleasure. )
papa = made of win.
I may have to make my way to the nearest Whole Foods and pick up a few copies to mat or something.
-h
( Scanned for your viewing pleasure. )
papa = made of win.
I may have to make my way to the nearest Whole Foods and pick up a few copies to mat or something.
-h
The odyssey of dying, part III
Mar. 19th, 2008 04:33 pmThis post covers my last two days of burying a family member. It's been an hour since I was parted from the enormous crowd that is my extended, so I'll write while my thoughts and emotions are still fresh.
.
Last night I came home and cooked comfort food for my family as they suffered through the wake.
.
I say "suffered through" because Suzanne's daughter went against her mother's wishes and made everything as melodramatic as possible. Suzanne wanted to be cremated and have her ashes scattered in some random places (although a few on her parents' grave) and then throw a turkey dinner. Sounds pretty chill and up with the healing, right?
.
( Full details on why that was a big pile of 'no' under the cut. )
I'll post my thoughts and reflections on it later, but that's just an account of my last few days for now. It might be best to post later, after at least a few hours to process and reflect before I let the verbal arrows fly.
-Haz
.
Last night I came home and cooked comfort food for my family as they suffered through the wake.
.
I say "suffered through" because Suzanne's daughter went against her mother's wishes and made everything as melodramatic as possible. Suzanne wanted to be cremated and have her ashes scattered in some random places (although a few on her parents' grave) and then throw a turkey dinner. Sounds pretty chill and up with the healing, right?
.
( Full details on why that was a big pile of 'no' under the cut. )
I'll post my thoughts and reflections on it later, but that's just an account of my last few days for now. It might be best to post later, after at least a few hours to process and reflect before I let the verbal arrows fly.
-Haz
The good and bad thing, the Good first
Mar. 11th, 2008 12:48 pmI'll be making two separate posts about my weekend, in which I talk about the good things in general, and then the time with my aunt.
There were a lot of good things about this weekend. Friday I worked a 9-5 training shift and wednesday I worked 7-12, which went by like nothing. My coworkers, both direct and indirect, are a good bunch. I was actually complimented on my efficiency; normal trainees take two full shifts to go through the videos and worksheet, whereas I finished them all and took the first test, all the while helping customers. There were a bunch of occurrences like:
.
Customer: Excuse me, where can I find bitter apple?
R: (my manager) Is that a treat?
Me: No, it's a deterrent, right? Is he a biter?
Customer: No, he chews. All the furniture.
Me: That should be in training aids. If you'll follow me, I'll take you there. Did you know that we also have a training class, if the bitter apple doesn't work?...
(returning later)
R: How'd you know that?
Me: It's a dog training thing. Just random knowledge, I guess.
R: Huh.
---
R: ...And the vegan dog food is this one.
Customer: Excuse me, do you have cat pan liners?
Me: Sure do! They're this way, right near litter. Would you like me to show you?
Customer: That'd be awesome.
(returning later)
R: What was that?!
Me: What was what?
R: How'd you know that?
Me: (holds up activity sheet) It was on the sheet.
R: Huh.
.
So I managed to impress both my manager and main trainer, who was confident enough in me to handle the animals directly. She was even a little more impressed when I managed to not get bitten while handling Satan Hamster. The animals were really great about being held, for the most part... especially the chinchilla and rats, and especially not the new arrivals.
All in all, work is going really well. I'm enjoying it.
I did get to visit my family on Sunday and go out to breakfast, then learn that all of my relatives some distance away were coming in to see Suzanne, including my eldest uncle from Florida. I get the feeling that he's my mother's favorite brother, if it's possible, and papa picked him up from the airport while mum and I were in providence.
.
That's one thing about my mother - she loves piercings. She told me that it was her first day off in a long time, and she'd be damned if she didn't get another piercing. For those of you who've never met her, she has a total of over ten piercings on her ears alone (several are inner cartilage and conch piercings) as well as navel. She only uses Rockstar Piercings on Thayer street, near Brown. The guy who does the piercings is a real master at it - he not only has a relaxing demeanor and oodles of work done on himself, bu he treats it in the same way you would a surgery: two changes of latex gloves, sterilizers, a paper-lined exam table, sharps bin, biohazard bin, surgical steel everything, the works. He's a little pricey, but it's still cheap considering what he should charge with his level of skill. I've never had piercings heal faster or better than his. So mum got a third lobe piercing on one side and a few beads changed, and I bit the bullet and pierced my navel. It looks so cute! I honestly thought I'd look like a skank (and I've seen many people whose navel piercings make them look like a ho-ma), but it's a little silver adorable curve. Hurts like a bitch, though.
.
After that, we saw a "SALE!" sign in the window of the spectrum india store across the street, so we ducked in and did a little shopping. I managed to get a beautiful $65 skirt for $5 (I just had to repair it myself, which was easy) and mum picked up meditation balls and incense at a decent price. I love the skirt - it fits so perfectly and is that level of pretty-feminine-but-not-outright-girly that I like. People have told me that I need to take them shopping at the places I go, which I should plan on doing at some point.
.
I've made up my mind to do two things: audition for New Voices, and write that game to bid for Intercon. I will do these things, and I will like it. And I will also post my chicken quesadilla recipe sometime, which is ten kinds of awesome.
Yes.
Other half of this post to come later, possibly after auditions.
-Haz
There were a lot of good things about this weekend. Friday I worked a 9-5 training shift and wednesday I worked 7-12, which went by like nothing. My coworkers, both direct and indirect, are a good bunch. I was actually complimented on my efficiency; normal trainees take two full shifts to go through the videos and worksheet, whereas I finished them all and took the first test, all the while helping customers. There were a bunch of occurrences like:
.
Customer: Excuse me, where can I find bitter apple?
R: (my manager) Is that a treat?
Me: No, it's a deterrent, right? Is he a biter?
Customer: No, he chews. All the furniture.
Me: That should be in training aids. If you'll follow me, I'll take you there. Did you know that we also have a training class, if the bitter apple doesn't work?...
(returning later)
R: How'd you know that?
Me: It's a dog training thing. Just random knowledge, I guess.
R: Huh.
---
R: ...And the vegan dog food is this one.
Customer: Excuse me, do you have cat pan liners?
Me: Sure do! They're this way, right near litter. Would you like me to show you?
Customer: That'd be awesome.
(returning later)
R: What was that?!
Me: What was what?
R: How'd you know that?
Me: (holds up activity sheet) It was on the sheet.
R: Huh.
.
So I managed to impress both my manager and main trainer, who was confident enough in me to handle the animals directly. She was even a little more impressed when I managed to not get bitten while handling Satan Hamster. The animals were really great about being held, for the most part... especially the chinchilla and rats, and especially not the new arrivals.
All in all, work is going really well. I'm enjoying it.
I did get to visit my family on Sunday and go out to breakfast, then learn that all of my relatives some distance away were coming in to see Suzanne, including my eldest uncle from Florida. I get the feeling that he's my mother's favorite brother, if it's possible, and papa picked him up from the airport while mum and I were in providence.
.
That's one thing about my mother - she loves piercings. She told me that it was her first day off in a long time, and she'd be damned if she didn't get another piercing. For those of you who've never met her, she has a total of over ten piercings on her ears alone (several are inner cartilage and conch piercings) as well as navel. She only uses Rockstar Piercings on Thayer street, near Brown. The guy who does the piercings is a real master at it - he not only has a relaxing demeanor and oodles of work done on himself, bu he treats it in the same way you would a surgery: two changes of latex gloves, sterilizers, a paper-lined exam table, sharps bin, biohazard bin, surgical steel everything, the works. He's a little pricey, but it's still cheap considering what he should charge with his level of skill. I've never had piercings heal faster or better than his. So mum got a third lobe piercing on one side and a few beads changed, and I bit the bullet and pierced my navel. It looks so cute! I honestly thought I'd look like a skank (and I've seen many people whose navel piercings make them look like a ho-ma), but it's a little silver adorable curve. Hurts like a bitch, though.
.
After that, we saw a "SALE!" sign in the window of the spectrum india store across the street, so we ducked in and did a little shopping. I managed to get a beautiful $65 skirt for $5 (I just had to repair it myself, which was easy) and mum picked up meditation balls and incense at a decent price. I love the skirt - it fits so perfectly and is that level of pretty-feminine-but-not-outright-girly that I like. People have told me that I need to take them shopping at the places I go, which I should plan on doing at some point.
.
I've made up my mind to do two things: audition for New Voices, and write that game to bid for Intercon. I will do these things, and I will like it. And I will also post my chicken quesadilla recipe sometime, which is ten kinds of awesome.
Yes.
Other half of this post to come later, possibly after auditions.
-Haz
The good:
PetSmart (shoppes at Blackstone Valley) called today and offered me the job(s). So, starting Friday, I'm a Pet Care specialist. As soon as I take the instructor orientation/lessons, I'll be teaching their dog training classes as well. I get above the starting pay, even though I'm just starting, because they wanted to ensure that I came on board, and they also apologized for finalizing it so late - there was trouble with their computer system and they had to call corporate to verify me. Even so, they held off and offered me the position rather than turning to other applicants.
This was a huge confidence booster, as not only was this my first time going through the job application process on my own (before, I either worked as a favor to someone shorthanded or was given a job on the spot at Christo's), but I beat out every other applicant and was hired for two positions at the store. Needless to say, I was happy.
The managers are exceptionally nice, and were very excited to hear that I accepted the job. It's a good feeling when someone says that they can't wait for you to start working and see what you can do - even when it's something as simple as companion animal care.
I'm also doubly excited for the dog training coach job - I get to teach classes! With dogs! They've mentioned that I'll probably be teaching the puppy classes, which is great, else I'll spend my time working with the small mammals, reptiles, and birds. I'm so looking forward to work.
I also got to introduce
elenuial to Blazing Saddles as our Intercon Wind-Down movie, which has always been a favorite of mine. It broke him in places and lagged for him in others, but overall, he seemed to really enjoy it and remarked on the style of an early Mel Brooks.
.
The bad:
My aunt is dying. The Friday of Intercon, I got a call from my cousin Whitney (the one who seems more like a sister) saying that my third-eldest aunt on my mother's side, Suzanne, was stopping treatment. She's had multiple cancers, and has said many times that she's "had it." She was given an estimate of a month remaining, and was thrown a short farewell party on Sunday. Saturday night seemed to be the more emotional one, from what I heard, where a lot of the grief came to the forefront. She's been battling cancer for years, but now there's a time limit and it's shorter than anyone expected.
This is especially hard on my mother. She's eighth born of eleven, and Suzanne is the first of her siblings to face death. Virginia (the second eldest girl) came close a few years ago, but checked into rehab and moved to a quieter place. However, my smoking-but-otherwise-completely-healthy mother has been, as per usual, taking the mediating job herself. Suzanne's daughter (we call her Little Virginia to differentiate cousin from aunt), has been a wreck. We also call her Virginia the Miserable, because she (quite frankly, though I hate to speak ill of suffering family) has never been happy. Nothing is ever her fault, and the world revolves around her, including her mother's death. She is grossly overweight, cruel, and spoiled, and has been harping on her mother like she was the one dying.
As I was talking with my mother over the phone tonight, I expressed my thought that the last thing someone who has accepted death needs is someone constantly smothering you and bawling every minute. It undermines her strength, and to spend time panicking rather than enjoying the time left is something easily regrettable later on. My mother agreed, and will be spending Wednesday with my aunt, labeling little crystals with the names of those Suzanne wants them to go to as mementos. I'm very proud of my mother for this; she has a tendency to collapse under the weight of her own emotions.
Although she has started her typical way of dealing. When I talked to my father this afternoon ("Dad! I got a job!" "Wow. Didn't know they had strip clubs in Worcester."), I asked how she was, and he simply replied: "Guess."
She's thrown herself into her work, as per usual, and I'm fully expecting a breakdown when she crashes against a wall sooner or later. In the meantime, I'll try to slow her down and help her process everything threatening to ruin her composure, and then plan to come home as often as needed. I'll be going home on Sunday to cook for her and keep her company, as well as make a day to visit Suzanne.
Though the thought of it disturbs me on a level I'm not quite sure how to describe, I'm keeping my calendar clear after Lunacon. This probably means no Yale Tango Fest, as it's on the weekend that marks the end of my aunt's life expectancy. When the inevitable happens, I want to be able to drop everything and go back home to the family, like a good daughter and a good niece should.
I'm not sure how I feel about this yet. I have a hunch that it'll hit me like a punch in the face one day, but until then, I seem to be cruising.
.
To my newly-added friends, I'm sorry for the depressing post! I've just been meaning to talk about it for a while and type best while
elenuial games in the background. I'm usually much more chipper, I promise.
-Haz
PetSmart (shoppes at Blackstone Valley) called today and offered me the job(s). So, starting Friday, I'm a Pet Care specialist. As soon as I take the instructor orientation/lessons, I'll be teaching their dog training classes as well. I get above the starting pay, even though I'm just starting, because they wanted to ensure that I came on board, and they also apologized for finalizing it so late - there was trouble with their computer system and they had to call corporate to verify me. Even so, they held off and offered me the position rather than turning to other applicants.
This was a huge confidence booster, as not only was this my first time going through the job application process on my own (before, I either worked as a favor to someone shorthanded or was given a job on the spot at Christo's), but I beat out every other applicant and was hired for two positions at the store. Needless to say, I was happy.
The managers are exceptionally nice, and were very excited to hear that I accepted the job. It's a good feeling when someone says that they can't wait for you to start working and see what you can do - even when it's something as simple as companion animal care.
I'm also doubly excited for the dog training coach job - I get to teach classes! With dogs! They've mentioned that I'll probably be teaching the puppy classes, which is great, else I'll spend my time working with the small mammals, reptiles, and birds. I'm so looking forward to work.
I also got to introduce
![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
.
The bad:
My aunt is dying. The Friday of Intercon, I got a call from my cousin Whitney (the one who seems more like a sister) saying that my third-eldest aunt on my mother's side, Suzanne, was stopping treatment. She's had multiple cancers, and has said many times that she's "had it." She was given an estimate of a month remaining, and was thrown a short farewell party on Sunday. Saturday night seemed to be the more emotional one, from what I heard, where a lot of the grief came to the forefront. She's been battling cancer for years, but now there's a time limit and it's shorter than anyone expected.
This is especially hard on my mother. She's eighth born of eleven, and Suzanne is the first of her siblings to face death. Virginia (the second eldest girl) came close a few years ago, but checked into rehab and moved to a quieter place. However, my smoking-but-otherwise-completely-healthy mother has been, as per usual, taking the mediating job herself. Suzanne's daughter (we call her Little Virginia to differentiate cousin from aunt), has been a wreck. We also call her Virginia the Miserable, because she (quite frankly, though I hate to speak ill of suffering family) has never been happy. Nothing is ever her fault, and the world revolves around her, including her mother's death. She is grossly overweight, cruel, and spoiled, and has been harping on her mother like she was the one dying.
As I was talking with my mother over the phone tonight, I expressed my thought that the last thing someone who has accepted death needs is someone constantly smothering you and bawling every minute. It undermines her strength, and to spend time panicking rather than enjoying the time left is something easily regrettable later on. My mother agreed, and will be spending Wednesday with my aunt, labeling little crystals with the names of those Suzanne wants them to go to as mementos. I'm very proud of my mother for this; she has a tendency to collapse under the weight of her own emotions.
Although she has started her typical way of dealing. When I talked to my father this afternoon ("Dad! I got a job!" "Wow. Didn't know they had strip clubs in Worcester."), I asked how she was, and he simply replied: "Guess."
She's thrown herself into her work, as per usual, and I'm fully expecting a breakdown when she crashes against a wall sooner or later. In the meantime, I'll try to slow her down and help her process everything threatening to ruin her composure, and then plan to come home as often as needed. I'll be going home on Sunday to cook for her and keep her company, as well as make a day to visit Suzanne.
Though the thought of it disturbs me on a level I'm not quite sure how to describe, I'm keeping my calendar clear after Lunacon. This probably means no Yale Tango Fest, as it's on the weekend that marks the end of my aunt's life expectancy. When the inevitable happens, I want to be able to drop everything and go back home to the family, like a good daughter and a good niece should.
I'm not sure how I feel about this yet. I have a hunch that it'll hit me like a punch in the face one day, but until then, I seem to be cruising.
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To my newly-added friends, I'm sorry for the depressing post! I've just been meaning to talk about it for a while and type best while
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-Haz